Baby blues...

Uh-oh.....

Am I in trouble or what?!

The Fever...

(Pregnant with Jeff)

Ah, babies. They are on my mind all of the time. Not only the ones I care for now, but the ones I have yet to meet. I have been told that I will "know" when I am done. Well I know that...I am not even near being done! That makes me a little scared! When will it stop?? I most often forget that I still have a baby, Let alone 4! Although now may not be the time, I will be ready when it is. Watch out, World! (and my dear husband...) The baby FEVER is back... And it burns!

To my Children....

I am a woman, and very proud to be. Tonight I was looking at pictures of my sweet children. This has made me a little emotional, which I accept fully. So, I thought instead of letting it slip away, I thought I had better take advantage of it, and write my sweet babies a little letter. Here goes:

To my natural born children,
I love you with all of my heart, literally. Sometimes it breaks for you, for both good and bad things. You are a part of me that I cannot separate from. Even though you both have your own bodies and little spirits now, I feel as though we are still woven together through some beautiful unexplained connection. I hope you both know how much I adore you. I delight in even the smallest thing if it is done from you. My heart beats faster if I know I am going to be reunited with you after the smallest break. You are my life. You drive me to become a better mother and woman everyday. Though I long to teach you, you have taught me more than I even knew possible. My life changed Karin, when I saw your sweet face. And again, Jeffrey, my world was opened up even more when your spirit came into this world. I never imagined I could love like that again. No matter what we go through, you both have touched my life so deep it is even hard to put into words. Just know this... when you sleep, I watch over you; when you wake, I am with you; years from now, you will always have a soft place to fall. I love you.
Mom

To my sweet foster girls who needed a mom,
You both have no idea how much meaning you gave my life. I have waited for you for a long time, even when I did not know it. You are meant to be in my house. I am meant to be your mom, even if for a short time. You have brought out the qualities I never knew I had inside of me. You have made it easy to love you. I know I never carried you inside of my body; I was not the first one who saw your face, or held your fragile frame. But I am the one who is here now. I will provide all that you need, for as long as I am needed. You will always be in my heart. You will always have a home. You will always have a mom. I love you very much.
Mom

Changes!!

Change can bother me. I very much like things the same. I am a person of order (mostly) and appreciate the natural order of things. I am finding myself centered amidst a rocky surface at this time. But for once in my life, this is refreshing.
Karin has started dance classes. This is something I am very excited about. I have nonchalantly said for years I would love to get her in them to better channel her very high level of energy. And it works! She is on the go for 45 minutes straight. She loves it, and I get the biggest kick out of watching her.
To top off a big year for her, she will be starting full time school in August. Surprisingly, I am very calm about this next step. It sounds like such a big jump for a 3 year old, but she is one child who will thrive in it. It is a Montessori School within walking distance of my house. She is a constant learner; one who craves knowledge, and I cannot wait to see her grow with it.
Our sweet dogs have found new homes permanently now. There is an eery stillness without the natural sounds of pets around the house. It feels like something is missing. But, I know in time, we may see some good health changes come from it.
We are trying out a "new" church at this time. One that is much closer to our house. We are actually back to our roots, where we first met (aww!). Formally Word of Grace, City of Grace has become our new church home. There have been so many changes since our long goodbye several years ago. It again, is refreshing. The kids seem to love it. Proximity was becoming a growing problem the more our family expanded. Which has increased at an alarming rate! No changes there at this time. But, that can switch at any time. :)
My diet has changed. This has probably been the most bittersweet change of all. I love food. There are no surprises there. One day, a couple months ago, the only thing I had to eat that entire day were homemade chocolate chip cookies. Honestly! I don't think my health could afford many days like that! But, it was changed due to identifying several food allergies. I have noticed a difference, which has been great. The best thing of all is to be able to cook for Karin and I both. I make entire meals with ingredients we both can have. She loves it! I have not seen her happier when it comes to food.
It is amazing how things are in different stages of life. Maybe that is what is happening! We are entering a new phase, a new chapter, where even I don't have the luxury of seeing. Although, I am sure anyone can agree, it would be nice to be in on the secret. I guess this is where true faith gets put to the test, where I trust my maker in whatever lies in front of me! And the best always comes from that! Amen!

testing, testing!

This is a picture during my lovely sister's Wedding on Valentine's Day. I was put together. Wearing foundation (which I never wear anymore), and red lipstick to match my pointy red shoes. It was fun to get dressed up. However, three days later, I look a little different. I am a mess! Almost a pathetic mess. :)

Yesterday was my first round of allergy testing, to help pinpoint my allergies aggravating my EE. My back became a testing site for 64 environmental allergens. Everything from mold to dust mites. I was lit up like a Christmas Tree. I could almost see the pity on my Doctor's face. Mind you, this is ONLY the environmental panel so far. Food is next, which will be interesting.

I had to keep still for 20 very itchy minutes while the wonderful welts formed on my back. Unfortunately, dog was one of my top reactions. We have 2. My Doctor very nicely said it may be a good idea if we keep our dogs, that they be kept outside. They can unknowingly track a number of my other allergies into my house, causing obvious/not so obvious reactions. We live in Arizona. This is not the best state to have dogs outside. I would feel a little neglectful. Also not to mention that my husband, daughter, and potentially my son all have asthma. He told me that if I had asthma, he would highly recommend finding them a new place to live. I do not, but knowing it may be driving my children's breathing problems, the answer became clearer to make. This has been a horrible process for us. But with health, especially our children's health in mind, we need to see if it would make a difference. We are trying to find them good homes to move to. My parent's are doing a trial run with my older pug, Brooke, so she can still be in our lives. Toby, my little one, is the one we are trying to still find a home for. This has been terribly sad.

In the meantime, I am a hot mess complete with horrible itching, hives, sneezing, a stuffy nose, itchy eyes, and an overall not-feeling-very-well demeanor. I think from the testing, I must have gotten a huge out pour of histamines in my system, and it is not being handled very well! The problem with being a nursing mother is that even the slightest medication can mess with natural milk production, so even taking something to dry up my sinuses might in fact affect my milk. Call me crazy, but I would rather be miserable myself, than have a miserable boy!

Over a day and half later, I still have large welts on my back that I would suspect are causing my problems. I hope they go away soon, because my next round for food starts in less than 2 weeks. Now I see why they want time to let your back heal! So hopefully in a matter of days, I may start looking less like the pathetic mess I feel, and look like that girl in the picture again. :)

My Valentine...

I love you.

I love you more than that.

You love me, and I know you love me. A lot.

It seems like we have been together for a lifetime,

and I look forward to the rest of my life with you.

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for giving me children.

Thank you for loving me, unconditionally.

You are my better half.

I learn so much about life and love watching you.

So I have one huge question...

Will you be my Valentine?

uh-oh!

Children are prone to accidents. It is a fact of life.

My children, however, seem to get a little help from me.

Not only do I tend to be a clumsy at times,

it seems to have rubbed off onto my children.

Of course, then there are the times that they

are simply in the cross-fire.

I am so sorry about that!

Like once, when Karin was just a tiny baby,

I was holding her while brushing my hair.

After about the 4th stroke,

the brush hit her right on the head.

Oh my gosh, it still breaks my heart! We cried together.

That was just the beginning...

I did it again last night.

Karin was getting her nighttime

breathing treatment for her Asthma,

before needing to go to bed.

She had twisted her face mask that

holds the medicine in so many circles

so it was not even on her face.

It is not unusual for her to find creative ways to pass

the time in the 10 minutes she has to keep her mask on.

So of course, with a little help from me,

I proceeded to take one side of string

that holds it behind her head,

so I could get it back to a normal position.

With it being wound up so tightly,

it sprang with fury along side her cheek.

It sounded like a whip hitting a horse's side.

And then a scream broke out.

A scream that lasted about as long as it

takes for her treatment to get done.

I felt horrible!

A million apologies, and a Cinderella

printed ice-pack helped to make it feel better.

And now today, the painful mark is still there.

As well as my guilty feelings!

But I have heard all day:

"No! My cheek feels all better!"

"Look, its all better!"

Which has helped.

Thank God for a 3 year old tolerance level.

If I had done that to my husband,

I am sure I would not be able to live it down.

Although...

I would always have the upper-hand

comeback about the time

he dropped a television on my foot.

THAT story another time. :)

Perfect

(my silly little monkeys!)

Perfection and beauty are subjective, I have found. I love my job. It is the greatest in the world. I am a nurse, yet able to work at home with my very medically involved foster children. There is nothing that suits me better. I feel so blessed that I have met so many wonderful people that I would have not in other circumstances. And of course, I get to make a difference (hopefully!) in the life of a child. Especially a child who no other person would want or could take care of. It is a challenge for me, and I am growing in so many ways.

As consumed as this world is with perfection, my world is consumed with imperfection. My foster children have imperfections... literally. They have body parts that cannot function normally like mine do. There are machines and equipment used regularly to help them move through their daily life. This is a necessity, not a luxury. It brings my perception back down to earth. Though I do not have a perfect body, at least I have working legs to help me walk, and arms that can easily stretch over my head. I can breathe with ease, and am able to see all the vibrant colors that this world offers. I cannot say this for my children. But they are wonderfully happy, and bring such beauty to my life. They were made to be exactly how they are, including their limitations. They are perfect to me.

Ouch!

This afternoon was very interesting. I had a wonderful morning with my mom. It's our Tuesday ritual to get together for some quality time. Then a series of events followed after we got home...

First I must say, my son has an obsessive thing with hair. He loves to pull it, especially if it belongs to one of his sisters. So after proceeding with pulling my hair, he was handed off to my nurse Rosie so I could recover (and to go get my camera). You see, I hate having my hair pulled. It hurts, especially with very sticky boy hands. So while I was gone fetching my camera, I came back to notice Jeffrey holding something in his hands. It was hair. Not blonde.... but brown. I became confused, until I noticed Karin, who was standing outside next to Rosie, rubbing her head with a frown on her face. He pulled a nice chunk (I mean chunk!) of her hair straight from her head, before she even realized it.

(The face of a naughty hair puller...beware!)

Karin was so worried about her hair. She asked to see herself, several times. After I took her in the bathroom, she carefully inspected the top of her head. I think the poor thing thought that her hair was gone. She was very upset with Jeffrey. Truth be told, I would be too, because he is probably the best hair puller in the Southwest. I will feel very sorry for all of the little girls in his Elementary School, because they will never see it coming. Anyways...we came in from outside, and I was busy in one of my foster daughter's room, when Rosie told me that Karin was limping. She had a splinter in her foot. As if she already hadn't been through enough, we spent about a half an hour trying to get the splinter out. I think she thought the needle and tweezers were torturing devices. They scared her to death. She screamed and cried so hard her stork bites from birth reappeared on top of her eyelids. They disappeared in her first year, and only make an appearance when she is horribly upset. Happy to report she recovered, but not without making it a very dramatic afternoon, as she tends to do. The proof is in the pictures above...

Also, Jeffrey's scope results came back fast! It is completely normal! So it looks like it is not EE, and just a very bad case of reflux, which should go away eventually. The doctor said we always need to have in the back of minds that he may develop allergies at any time, therefore EE can always be a possibility given our history. But I am so grateful that is not the case now, and hopefully never! Yay, for my naughty little hair-pulling boy!! :)

A long day!

OK....

I survived today. I had my questionable moments, but am glad now it is almost over. Jeffrey was a champ today. That boy never ceases to amaze me. He is beautiful, and I swear he knows it. It must be because I tell him several times a day. :)
He has the most gorgeous eyes I have ever seen. Today he was flirting with all the nurses. He does it better than any baby I have encountered. All it takes are those eyes and his dimples.

He slept the worst off at home and was back to normal after he woke up. I am looking forward to getting the results by the end of the week.

I did pretty well when he was put under. Luckily, with scopes, the parents are able to be with the child through that process, and then you are there when they wake up. In the past with Karin, I had a much harder time. I absolutely love my children's GI doctor (and good thing I do, because all 4 see her!), so it was easier leaving him in her hands. She is very respectful of the emotions of a mother. She knows that it can be hard to leave them.

Besides that, I think my emotional state drove me into exhaustion today. With sick kids all last week, and this morning, I think my body had about enough. Sleep is already a challenge with the set-up we have here at home, let alone other factors influencing it. If I was allowed, I probably could have slept through this evening into tomorrow morning.

Well enough complaining...

I am thankful for my husband's help. If it weren't for him being by my side this morning, bringing lunch home this afternoon, and helping with the kids this evening, I think I would still be trying to get everything done. Thanks honey! And, of course I can't forget to mention all of the help my Karin provides. She loves to help me clean the house... seriously. I think it started because I was very overwhelmed one day, and told her if she helped me clean the house, she would earn a piece of candy (Thank goodness for Smarties!). So she did, and ever since she loves to help me clean just for fun. I still treat her once in a while. :) So this evening, we put on music, and swept through the house like old pros. I swear, that girl knows where everything goes.

As for my other sweet children.... have I mentioned how much I love them?? I know I am not able to publicly post anything about them, but know that they are every bit a part of our family as our natural born kids. We are actually moving towards adopting one of them, so once that happens, she will be included in my blog. That will be a very special day.

Yet again...

Tomorrow, my sweet baby boy will endure his first scope. To be honest, I am torn. I am excited to maybe (Finally!) get some answers for him, but also very anxious to having him be put under for the first time. I don't think I could ever be ready for that. It is a very complex situation to leave your sleeping child in the hands of other people.
Pretty much since his first week of life he has been having tummy problems. With our very apparent history of Eosinophilic Esophagitis, my motherly instincts have had to be put on overdrive. I want to catch it early, if possible, to avoid a similar experience of myself, and Karin.
On Thursday, he had a test done at the hospital to check for any physical causes for his vomiting/discomfort. We had proof that he has indeed been refluxing. Our hope is that it stops there. But, if he does have EE, we will take the steps to keep it at bay. This wouldn't be my first rodeo...
In the meantime, we will continue to take it one day at a time!

Special Reunion...

My Jeffrey is a very special type of "mama's boy."

I use this term in the best way possible.

I think it's the sweetest part about having a boy.

I usually would try to sleep at this time,

but became inspired to write about him on a whim

after a night out with my wonderful friend, Nicole.

I enjoy my time alone.

I find it keeps me sane and healthy.

I left my children in the trusty hands of my husband tonight to get a little recharging.

Dinner and a movie later....

Nicole and I were wondering what may be waiting for us upon returning home.

(Nicole, I hope you were able to go right to bed, without interruption!)

I, however, had an unexpected surprise when I got home.

Jeffrey.

I walked through the door, and heard nothing.

Of course, this is where I silently breathed a sigh of relief

knowing everyone survived without needing me!

But.... I think as a mom, there is always a but....

after slowly taking a few steps past my door, my heels gave way of my return.

I turned the corner to go down the hall, and got a glimpse of him.

In my husband's arms, desperately trying

to prove to himself that indeed I was home.

All it took was a split-second glance before the most pathetic, sweetest whine came out of his mouth.

It was drenched with sorrow and relief both at the same time.

Once safe and sound in my arms, all was right with the world again.

I will miss these times.

I am sure my sweet boy will not be greeting me

with such enthusiasm when he is 16.

But maybe, just maybe, that little "mama's boy" will be hiding in there somewhere deep inside.

Somewhere he will always know that I love him more than I even know,

and maybe, somehow....

he will still think I am the best thing in the entire world. :)

Finally!

I feel like I have been hiding!! Not on purpose of course, but by life's consequences.

I am ashamed that the last time I wrote was so long ago, that I can't even remember writing it.

Well, short story.... we got a fourth child. I think that about sums up everything since before Christmas. It has been a whirlwind since. I of course cannot post any pictures of our most recent addition, which makes me sad. I really wish I could.

But I am hoping that this will launch me back in writing. I do miss it.

Things that have happened since my last very short entry:

1. Christmas came and went

2. Karin turned 3!

3. Jeffrey is crawling, and pulling himself up to standing (7 months!)

4. My calendar has been so full of Doctor Appointments, that I think I may single-handedly be keeping many Doctors in business...

I think there should be some sort of reward for that!

There is so much more I am sure, but I don't even think I could fit it all into one blog post. So for now, that's all. Until next time....